feeling guitly.

Off-topic
1

So I have been starting to recently feel guilty for spending money on myself.

I know that probably sounds weird, but I just can’t explain it further than that.

Today I spent $12.00 on a watch, and just felt horrible for doing so.

I don’t feel like I deserve anything nice. I just don’t feel right.

Over the weekend I bought some games at a few Goodwill stores, and I can’t shake the guilt feeling.

I love my PS2 and I love gaming, but I just feel bad for spending money.

I am about to be 20 in a few days(Saturday the 14th), but I don’t feel like I am about to be 20.

Not wanting to feel selfish, not wanting to spend money, and not wanting to ever do anything again.

I am feeling sort of scared of doing anything, because I will feel guilty, or selfish.

All this over a few games and a watch. :confused: What could it mean?

2

I wouldn’t feel guilt over $12.00. My wife and I just spent over $8000.00 on new dining room furniture that we didn’t really need. I feel something different than silly. I think panic comes close.

3

Don’t be ashamed to spend money on yourself. We all need it, on some level.. and we have our things. This is your only life, and you deserve to make the most of it. Turning 20 doesn’t mean giving up all the things that make you happy, and stressing over every little thing. Continue to be you and don’t be afraid to indulge responsibly.

4

The thing is, I know my self worth. I have spent countless nights up, pacing, and even just staring into oblivion.

I know that myself as a human has worth. That worth may not be much at the moment, because I am stuck in a never ending cycle of hate.

But, that is beyond the point I am trying to make. I do not wish to seek therapy because I currently do not wish to.

I have had enough family members go to therapy and end up in a hospital for 2-6 months, and I think that will drive me to the lowest point of self hatred.

I am also not ready to spill my thoughts to a complete random stranger that has the power to spread it like wildfire. (internet, yes I know is about the same thing)

The biggest part of it all is trust and fear. This is a simple feeling of guilt and selfishness, and I will learn to handle it.

Sorry to drag on, and start a new thread to just complain, or just to ask for help. Lately I feel my opinion hasn’t been worth dog crap.

So just please I am kindly asking stop suggesting therapy, because for the time being that is not an option, and is not happening.

5

Wow, okay so it seems I have stirred you up a bit. Rustled your feathers so to speak. I didn’t mean to do such a thing if I did.

I am sorry for coming across like a careless ass. I do value you, and all of my friends honestly more than I mostly value my own life.

If all I am going to do is piss off everyone on here, when posting something, than I feel I should stop posting all together.

No, I am not guilt tripping before someone calls me out for doing so. It to me really seems I have angered a few people in the time I have been on here.

As for your question Marka yes I do value you all very much. As I said before I value you, and all of my other friends.

I take the advice everyone gives, and I sort through it too find the best solution that will please everyone. I take all opinions to heart.

I didn’t mean to make it seem as if I don’t value you or any other member on here. I do truly, and honestly would trust most of the members on here with stuff I wouldn’t trust anyone else with.

I say most, because there are a lot of people on here, and I have not met most of them.

Why would I ever say anyone is stupid or incompetent? There are many other people on here, and on this planet that are smarter by far. Knowledge is not anything to laugh at or make fun of.

Everyone learns and understands at different speeds. For me to tell someone they are stupid is a high level insult. Nobody is stupid in my opinion. Yes sure sometimes we don’t all get along, or understand each others ideas.

6

I am well aware that there are members on here who are far smarter than I. Often on tough topics, I let them do the speaking, because their knowledge base is better than mine. Still, I have things to say because we all have knowledge areas and our own unique talents and abilities. I’m sure BP that you have your own.

I was reading these responses and before I got to Marka’s I was thinking the same thing, and in a nutshell, what would make you happy? What would make you feel like you had something to contribute, because that I suppose, is what self worth is about.

I had to go to therapy when I was your age, forced by my mom when she discovered my diapers and gay porn. I was quite scared, because being gay in 1970 could put you in an institution against your will, and my mom sent me to see a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. Because of things in my past, I was close to being a resident. Eventually I was able to talk her out of it, so I hear loud and clear what you’re saying.

Since that’s the case, how can you help yourself? I hope that you continue to express yourself on this site when you are distressed, unhappy or depressed. Not only is that the site’s first directive, but we all benefit from it sooner or later. As you know, sometimes there’s little we can suggest that’s life changing, but what we can do is commiserate and share our similar experiences. We can not only tell you that we care, but we can genuinely care.

Last night, a member posted a thread concerning the death of his dog. I still feel sorrow for his loss because I’m a dog lover. We care about you because we feel these same things. We are a special group on this site. Many of us are successful in life, yet feel that what we are doing in life is meaningless and we look for meaning in our own lives. I think to some degree, it’s the human condition. I can remember driving to work early in the morning, and feeling like I was one of the millions of ants moving from the ant hill to the jelly sandwich laying on the ground.

We find meaning in ways that are specific and personal to each of us. I’ve found it in my music and writing, and in being a good father and husband. It’s the same formula: family and work. There really isn’t anything else. Even finding the next cure for cancer is a job for someone.

I hope you will continue to talk to us, because one of the things that gives us humans worth, is helping others. It’s probably the highest order in terms of what we can do to have meaningful lives. Hugs.

7

I have been thinking a lot about that question. What would make me happy? I could name a few things, but I would feel selfish for doing so.

I could tell you about how much I wish I didn’t look the way I do, or how I wish I was just a bit shorter. I could also tell you about how I wish I could lose weight faster.

Wanting to not wake up in wet, and be “normal”. Never finding out about this side, but all at the same time wanting to indulge in it more and more.

There a few things that could make me happy sure. I could also wish for more knowledge so I can help out more. The want to be able to hold a conversation without running out of things to say.

Having money, having my own place so I could live privately. A boyfriend that would love me no matter what, and would also help with this side of myself would also be very nice. But after hearing this I must come off as a very selfish person.

I am not trying to seem that way honestly. This is just letting go of what my head and heart are telling me I want.

A job so I could help my family, have my own apartment, and maybe a little spending money so I could indulge myself.

Helping out other members, and maybe making some new friends along the way. These are just on the top of my mind.

I don’t only want to make myself happy, but I want to make everyone I can happy. Happiness shouldn’t be never something only one person can hold. It should be something that is shared.

It is something that not enough people have. I know I can wait in the long line until I am served a slice of it. I would much prefer the others who need it more to step ahead of me in line.

8

I would simply describe myself as moody lately. Though I have been tested for that and it was negative, almost bipolar.

I should have much more trust within my fellow members. I feel that in a way we are just a big family.(that makes sense right?)

We all have our problems, and solutions to said problems whether they be minor or major changes we need to make in our selves or our living habits.

You are all doing your best to help me, and here I am refusing to let any of that sink in. I would like to apologize for such rash behavior.

I have talked it out with a good couple of friends, and they feel that I am just being sill old me. Worrying about things that need not be worried about.

Now with that being said, I have in the past been known for being a bit as I call it “cautious” or as others see paranoid.

I tend to think constantly in the way of everything going wrong. I shouldn’t, and I know that. Not everything in the world is evil or so I always thought.

Marka and dogboy, I would like to thank you. gigglemuffinz, I would also like to thank you as well.

You are right, I shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling happy. So what I spent a little money? A watch is useful, and I didn’t currently own one.

But this isn’t just about the watch, or the few other things I purchased. I know good and well that come May I am going to be working for my grandmother so that will balance a few selfish purchases.

She is a sweetheart, very loving, caring, understanding, and I love her with everything, but that is another topic for another day.

As a member of a big, and even somewhat growing community like this I shouldn’t just feel like a drop of water in a vast ocean. I should be proud to be unique and not like the rest of the world.

We should all feel that way, and I know it takes work to do so. We can only do so much for one another, and that is a great thing to see so many people caring for one another.

:grouphug: Thanks :grinning:

9

Brony Pony,

Thank you for being willing, and taking the time and energy to engage in a difficult and self-assessing discussion like this one. That alone shows strength of character in you. I feel that most of the points you’ve brought up have been well addressed and discussed. I just saw one point that I want to disagree with you on… in a friendly way:slight_smile:

		It[happiness] is something that not enough people have. I know I can wait in the long line until I am served a slice of it. I would much prefer the others who need it more to step ahead of me in line.
	
	Click to expand...

This reminds me of a discussion I had with one of my best friends a couple years ago. I don’t exactly remember the context, but we were discussing the nature of love; its many forms and the roles it plays in life. My friend made a point that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It was this: There is not a finite amount of love. Love is something that can grow without limits. If love grows in one area, it does not necessarily have to be taken away from another area.

I realize that love and happiness are not one in the same. However, I do believe that they are related, and that happiness is often a by-product of love. Therefore, I believe that there is not a limit to the amount of happiness that can be created in life. I agree with you wholeheartedly that happiness is in short supply. And I think that figuring out how to share love and happiness is one of the best ways for a human to spend their life.

I just disagree with the notion that happiness is a limited resource that is doled out to those waiting in line. Rather, I believe that happiness is created or found by those who are seeking it. There is no reason for you to wait behind others in line to be given happiness. I fear you will be disappointed. If you find happiness for yourself, there will be more for you to share with those around you. There is nothing selfish about that!

10

Those are some very good points bean. After reading that comment I made I feel as though you are entirely right.

:slight_smile: