Hiii! So, I’m Avery, and I’ve been reading stories for a short while on this site. Loving what I’ve seen, I decided to work on a little project of my own.
I’m a little shy about sharing it. :3 But I really hope you enjoy the adventures (and mishaps!) of Zoe :3
Please feel free to comment!
xoxo,
Avery the (very) shy fox :3
Chapter One: The Letter
Zoe couldn’t pay attention to what was happening in her no matter how hard she tried. The week had gone well enough, she managed to get through her classes, was sure that she had aced her exam in her Reference and Information Services class, had gone out with her friends the night before, but with the weekend rapidly approaching, Zoe was a bundle of nerves. She had no idea what possessed her to leave her parents a letter before she returned to school. Perhaps it was the thought of the upcoming holidays or the fact she just really needed to write things down, but confessing to her parents that she liked wearing adult diapers as a coping mechanism for anxiety in a letter suddenly felt like a horrible idea. Maybe they had never even found the letter. Nothing was said, after all, so maybe everything was okay.
The first person to notice that something was bothering her was her roommate Angelina, who had been staring hard at her a few days prior. It was like Zoe thought about the letter all the time, but when she wasn’t distracted well enough, it was all she could think of.
“What’s wrong with you?” Angelina asked, jumping onto Zoe’s bed and cringing at the dull creak of protest it made at her sudden weight.
“Nothing,” Zoe answered with a huff.
“Oh, please,” Angelina said. “You’ve been staring at your computer screen for ages and haven’t scrolled even once.” She leaned over the top of Zoe’s laptop. “And you’re not even watching a movie, so…what gives?”
Zoe could only shake her head in response, prompting a heavy, slightly frustrated sigh from Angelina. “Fine,” Angelina said, closing Zoe’s laptop with a sharp noise. “Then we’re going out. I’ll text the others.” Even though the last thing Zoe wanted to do was go out, she begrudgingly went. She was relieved that none of them questioned the slight waddle she had from the diaper she insisted on wearing out. Who knew that a simple dare during a game of Truth or Dare at a party would have led to this?
At the end of class, Zoe checked her phone with a slight frown. After not hearing much from her parents all week, the only notification from her dad saying to be safe on her way home left her on edge. What were her parents thinking?
The return home felt longer than usual. The clatter of the train’s wheels against the track seemed to be just as discordant as all of Zoe’s thoughts. The landscape blurred much like her racing thoughts. The closer she was to home, the more anxiety settled into Zoe’s entire being and she felt herself practically bristling with the anticipation of what could possibly be coming next. As the familiar landscape of her hometown came into view, Zoe felt herself dreading the thought of even entering her home.
Slowly the trees and the rolling fields of rural America started to make way for the houses Zoe grew up with. As the train barreled into the suburbs of Zoe’s hometown, the long journey home nearly came to a close, and Zoe couldn’t help but heave a deep sigh. It meant that she only had around 10 minutes before her train would enter the station and she could feel herself at the edge of panic, a place she couldn’t say she was unfamiliar with.
Zoe could feel the familiar waves of anxiety coursing through her body. As much as she didn’t want to be, she couldn’t help but become a little frustrated by herself. It felt as though her brain had decided to completely forget the years of therapy she had along with the grounding techniques she had learned. She had been diagnosed with anxiety for a long while, basically for as long as she could remember. Between her therapy and the techniques she learned, she had mostly found a rhythm that worked for her.
She felt as though she had been doing a great job at keeping her anxiety at bay and keeping it mostly under control. In her humble opinion, even with all of the changes of university life, she had been keeping an excellent grasp on it. The things she learned helped keep most of her anxiety at bay most of the time, but unfortunately, today wasn’t one of those days. Today was different.
As the train slowed down into the station, Zoe felt the burger she ate earlier weigh heavily in her stomach. She could feel her stomach twisting into even more painful knots, swirling its contents as if she was a cauldron and a witch was working on a bubbling brew. Zoe could feel the start of the coughs she tended to get when anxious and tried to push them back. She knew that if she started, it wouldn’t end well for her. It wouldn’t be the first time everything in her stomach decided to come back up from being too anxious, but the nausea was perpetual and wasn’t helping in the least.
With a screech, the train came to a rolling stop and Zoe got up from her seat to disembark with the large crowd that was gathering at the doors. It wouldn’t be too long before she would arrive home. Zoe tried very hard to stop her little coughs that seemed nearly impossible to go away once they started as she disembarked. It was busy at the platform and in a daze, Zoe made her way through the massive throngs of people with her weekend bag in tow.
No matter how much Zoe tried to be rational and think about what lay ahead, nothing seemed to make her feel better. Surely her parents had to have read her letter. After all, she had put it in a place that she knew they would find it. But what if they hated it? What if they hated her? As the tell-tale little coughs grew in their intensity and started to wrack her body, Zoe rushed out of the trainstation as quickly as she could. She made a beeline for the nearest bushes, deeply regretting her choice of greasy comfort food.
Taking a sip from her water bottle to clear the taste from her mouth, Zoe made her way to the bus station in a far bigger daze. It was almost like she was looking at herself from above she thought as her mind began to wander as the worry of the fact she would be home soon took over.
In fact, it felt like no time had passed at all before Zoe found herself back home. She was so caught up and lost in her thoughts that her body seemed to have malfunctioned and gone on auto-pilot. The next thing she knew she was standing at her parent’s doorstep in the outer neighborhoods of Topeka, Kansas.
Zoe blinked a couple times as she wasn’t entirely sure how she ended up where she was. She vaguely remembered getting on her bus, but everything was a haze. Before Zoe could reach into her bag to fumble for her keys, the door opened and Zoe’s eyes shot up to meet the gaze of whoever dared to disturb her final moments of peace.
“Hey, Zoe! You’re here,” Zoe’s mom said with a warm smile. She opened the door wide, beckoning for Zoe to enter and closing the door behind her. “You got back home just in time for dinner. Go drop your things off and wash your hands and join us in the dining room.”
Zoe stared owlishly at her mother’s back as she disappeared into the dining room where the strong scents of dinner were wafting her way. It was all very strange, Zoe thought. She expected a completely different reaction from her mother – a tension that could be palpable and obvious. But instead, her mother was acting as if nothing was different and that she hadn’t laid out the most difficult letter of her life. Zoe didn’t understand.
Dinner was mostly the same as usual, the air still very much the same as it usually was. Zoe could barely eat from her stress while conversations flowed around her like usual. She managed to give a quick rundown of how her week had been, but a lot of it came out in awkward stutters and jumbled thoughts. It was a sure sign that her anxiety was at an all time high, and her parents shared a knowing look but didn’t say a word.
Everyone at home knew the moment her thoughts and words weren’t coming clearly meant that she was at the height of her anxiety. Zoe could feel Zara, her younger sister, staring at her questioningly, but didn’t ask what was wrong. Zoe had a love-hate relationship with her younger sister. It wasn’t always easy to deal with her, the age differences between the two of them somehow like a massive mountain at the ages of 19 and 14 respectively, but it was enough to drive a small wedge between them every so often. It wasn’t like things were anything like they were when they were both under 12. Becoming teenagers had changed everything.
But the rule at home was that Zoe’s anxieties were not discussed during dinner, so Zara didn’t dare to ask what was going on. Zoe couldn’t say that she hated the rule and was especially grateful for it that night. At least it meant that she didn’t have to make up an excuse for why she was struggling so much.
After dinner, Zoe’s mom cleared her throat, giving Zara a tight smile. “Zara, if you don’t mind, me and your father need to speak to Zoe. We would appreciate it if you went to your room,” she said sweetly, but with a tone that implied there would be no further questions. “And please don’t come back down until we say so, okay?”
“Okay,” Zara said, slowly standing up from the table. When she was past her parents, she looked back at Zoe with another look and mouthed, “What did you do?” Zoe only shook her head in response, keeping her head low as her parents stood up and started to make their way to the living room.
“Zoe? Come join us out here,” their mother said. “There’s something that we need to talk about.”
Zara remained rooted to where she stood for just a moment, a look of silent glee crossing her face as the color drained from Zoe’s face. She didn’t care about the fact that Zoe felt like her lungs had an iron vice crushing them in and that someone was sitting on her chest making it difficult to breathe. All Zoe knew was the time she had been dreading had arrived and hot tears burned at the corners of her eyes.
She was not ready.
“Zara, go upstairs!” Zoe’s mom shouted, her tone a little sharper. “And Zoe, get over here.”
But Zoe couldn’t move. It was as if she had forgotten how to control her brain which was malfunctioning to the point where she couldn’t move any of her limbs. All Zoe could do was focus on the soft hiccups that escaped her lips followed by her coughs as she slowly started to hyperventilate.
She was distinctly aware of how she felt her dad’s strong arms wrapping around her, basically carrying her to the couch. As hot tears spilled from the corners of her eyes, Zoe found herself meeting the concerned and comforting gaze of her mother who pulled her in close, rubbing soft circles of her back. It was something that worked well when Zoe was a small child, and it still worked. The combined comfort of her dad’s soft spoken words mixed with the calm, steady heartbeat of her mother and her gentle back rubs slowly calmed her down. First Zoe’s breathing calmed and then, finally, the tears that flooded her eyes eventually stopped.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Zoe’s dad asked, meeting her somewhat more focused gaze over her mother’s shoulder. He studied her face closely, relieved to see that the wild-eyed panic had seemed to have subsided just a bit.
“We’re so sorry, Zoe,” her mom continued gently. “If we had known you were this stressed out, we would have called or texted or something. We really appreciate the fact that you reached out to us.” Zoe’s mom gently pulled away, keeping her hands on Zoe’s shoulders to look at her at arm’s length. “But I also have to admit that we were both confused. And we were equally confused by your confusion. This just doesn’t come out of nowhere.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t exactly something we expected,” Zoe’s dad added with a slight chuckle in his rich baritone. Suddenly Zoe’s mom shot up, glaring at something at the living room doorway.
“Zara, for the love of God, if you’re not back upstairs in five seconds and stay there for the rest of the evening until I say so, so help me, your birthday won’t be for a very long time coming.”
Zoe looked up at her mom with wide-eyes, but she shook her head in response. She sighed after a few moments before sitting back down.
“Sorry about that, Zoe,” her mom said with a grimace.
“I-I don’t want her to know,” Zoe stuttered out, a clear sign that her anxiety was still present and hadn’t gone away.
“I understand that,” her dad answered. “And we won’t tell. We promise. But where does this come from, zoe?”
“It…it calms me down,” Zoe admitted.
“Clear sentences, love,” Zoe’s mom gently reminded her. “What does that mean?”
Taking a deep breath, Zoe continued without her persistent stutter. “It all started with a stupid game of Truth or Dare. My dorm had a party just before mid-terms because we were all stressed. We just wanted to do something fun because studying sucked. I didn’t realize how hard classes were going to be, so when I found out there was going to be a party, I took it. There was no drinking, I promise,” Zoe added quickly. “Anyway, everything was fine. We were just playing music but then someone suggested we play Truth or Dare.
“I wasn’t even the first person to get the dare, but someone on the floor thought it would be funny to send some of the others samples of diapers since all they asked for was an address and and e-mail, so it was like a prank. We all thought it was funny, and I think just about everyone on the floor received them at some point, some more than others with just a letter in their name changed or something. So, when it came to be Jeremy’s turn to make a dare, he told Adriana to wear one of the diapers. I believe around half of us were wearing them at one point, but then when it came back around to me, Laura told me to use it.”
“Did you?” Zoe’s mom interrupted with alarm, eyes growing wide as saucers as Zoe’s face turned bright red.
“No!” Zoe said quickly. “Not in front of the others.”
“So you did later?”
“Not right away,” Zoe admitted, her face growing impossibly more red. “I kept the one from the party and just started putting it on to wear it while in my room. It, uhm…it just made me feel safe because of how snug it felt. It felt like it was holding me together like a hug almost.” Zoe took a deep, shuddering breath. She was still overly anxious by the entire situation even though her parents weren’t reacting nearly as negatively as she feared.
“I don’t know why, but they give me a sense of safety and comfort,” Zoe said, wrapping her arms tightly around herself, almost as if she was trying to emphasize the point. “It helps with my anxiety, but it was also stressing me out a lot because it was a secret. I felt like I needed to tell someone, and I didn’t know who to tell.”
Zoe’s mom studied her for a brief moment before pulling her into a hug, rocking her gently as she did so. “We appreciate you telling us so much. Can we ask some question, though, love?” she asked, leaning back so that she could look at Zoe.
“Uhm, I think so,” Zoe said quietly.
“We’re just trying to understand you,” Zoe’s dad said, his tone reassuring. “It’s all a bit new to us and we thought a lot about your letter over the past week. We weren’t sure how we wanted to approach it, but we just didn’t – or don’t, rather – understand what all of this means for you. So, this is us trying to do that now.”
“So, let’s start with the simple questions first,” Zoe’s mom interrupted. “How long have you been wearing them?”
Zoe had to think a little before answering. “A while,” she admitted. “Almost two months now, I guess.” She grimaced at her parents eyes went wide.
“So then you really started wearing them after your mid-terms?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you ever, uhm…wear them while you were here at home?”
“No!” Zoe said quickly, shaking her head vigorously and feeling her face flush. “No, never. I was too scared that you’d find out,” she admitted in a voice barely higher than a whisper. “It’s been eating at me, just always worrying. Especially at school when I didn’t want people to find out there either.”
“Oh, honey,” Zoe’s dad said gently. “We were wondering what it was that had you so pent up for weeks now. We were worried, but you’re so far away during the week that we couldn’t really find the time to ask. We thought that maybe it was just stress from your classes, but you never seemed to mention having any issues there.”
There were a few more questions that were asked – did anyone else know, did anyone suspect, did she want to tell other people - but Zoe was growing more and more exhausted by the minute. It was normal that her anxiety would make her incredibly tired and the addition of the panic attack tended to wipe her out completely. Tonight was not any different in that respect.
Zoe was halfway through explaining that she really felt that her wearing diapers was just something that made her feel comfortable while being not completely in control, but also being able to maintain it when she drifted off with her head resting against her mom’s chest.
Between her parents, they managed to lay Zoe down so that she was laying on the couch with her head resting in her mother’s lap and legs and feet across her father’s, just as they had done when she was a lot smaller. They just looked at each other for a moment, still extremely lost by the entire situation, but also starting to understand a little more.
“So, Zack, what are we going to do with this?” Amelia, Zoe’s mother, asked.
“We’ll support her, of course,” Zack replied with a slight shrug as he gently rubbed Zoe’s legs. “If she is happy wearing diapers then we just let her wear them. It’s not hurting anyone and it’s not like she came home saying that she’s doing cocaine. I just don’t understand what Zoe means about the control thing?”
“I think that’s something that we’ll need to figure out,” Amelia sighed as she brushed Zoe’s hair back away from her face. “That and we need to figure out what exactly we tell Zara. But I think I have an idea. The holidays are in a few weeks, so we could put Zo back in diapers and we’ll control it for her, and see how it goes. We keep at it for the holiday, and after that we’ll talk to her about it and see how she feels. Things can change and maybe she’ll feel like she doesn’t like it as much, but we’re starting at square one.”
Zack thought about it for a moment before nodding. “I think that’s a good idea,” he answered. “But we’ll talk it through with Zo tomorrow before we decide anything.” He sighed, looking down at Zoe. “For now I think we should at least get her upstairs and in her bed. I don’t think she’ll be too comfortable down here.”
With some very careful maneuvering, Zack was able to pull Zoe into his arms and made his way upstairs to put her in her room. Amelia remained where she was on the couch, thinking hard. She hadn’t expected things to change so drastically and so suddenly, but she thought she knew what to do.